Grief

I am sad. Sad about the stuff. John said I should go back and get the stuff out of recycling. I'm not going to. I showed him the pictures and read him my blog and he said I should go get it. I said, "no, I want to let it go." He actually put the stuff out on the curb and I asked him to take a picture of it. I took the indoor shots.

It feels really sad and good at the same time. Sad, like I'm crying sad. Like when I saw the pictures of my stuff on the curb, I was looking at an old friend. Maybe this is extra-dramatic, but it's how I feel and it helps explain why I've held on to it for so long. It has meant a lot to me. And it doesn't mean any less to me to let it go.

I'm surprised by much I feel about it. And on the other hand, I must have been feeling this much or else it would have been easy to toss any old time.

It seems to me though, that to let this stuff go is freeing. I'm not sure yet. From what I understand of the yogic teachings and everything, letting it go is the right thing to do. It doesn't always feel that way in the moment. The moment is confusing, like I could hold on to something or that I could do everything I ever wanted in a second. But it takes something to manifest a project or an idea. And not all of my ideas will get played out. Some of them won't.

I used to clean out my closet (while all of these things were neatly stored in boxes in my parents' basement where I didn't ever need to wonder about them) and I'd put stuff in Ian's trunk. He'd keep it there for a few days or a week and then take it to a charity drop off when I didn't know, and if I changed my mind I could go back to his trunk and retrieve it if I was in time. Sometimes I'd go back and get the odd thing. Sometimes it would be too late. Oh well. It always turned out fine either way.

And Remi's seen all my notebooks and said "ooh" and "aah." And John's seen them and though they were neat and that I'm a total pack-rat and maybe we should hang on to my stamp album because there maybe something in there of value.

Don't think I've given it all up, because I haven't. Believe me. I've got teeth, an old retainer, my father's mother's locks of hair and old jewelry. There's many more piles to put out. I did get rid of a Super 8 animation of David Setter shaving off his beard while I was at McGill. That was fun.

Many more opportunities ahead to hang onto stuff and collect and hoard and continue to let go...

(Oh, and I know paper recycling is black box. But I use a blue box for everything and the guys just take it. As long as it's the right stuff for recycling they'll empty whatever colour bin it is.)